Joke Thread

[wrxgoose]

didn't see one, didn't search real hard though.

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

[wrxgoose]

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

and the website thinks my editing a mistake is too short. >.<

[Asphalt~86]

Women's Rights.



BOOM!

Love you ladies

[wrxgoose]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"






A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

[Exhaust]

Horse walks into a bar then the bartender goes.. Why the long face??

What does a race horse eat? Fast food.


Horse jokes seriously make me laugh soooooo hard. Im crying right now, why horses? No fucking clue.

[monkie]

WARNING these are Rude ENJOY


Q. What's 3 feet and Fu@ks Chickens?

A. An Axe



Q. What is the difference between cauliflower and pubic hair?

A. Nothing you both push them aside and keep eating.



Q. What does a warm toilet seat and a loose woman have in common?

A. They both feel nice but you gotta wonder who was their before you.



Q. Why don't old ladies get a pap smear any more?

A. You ever tried opening a cold grilled cheese sandwich

[Calum]

Originally Posted by Exhaust

Horse walks into a bar then the bartender goes.. Why the long face??

What does a race horse eat? Fast food.


Horse jokes seriously make me laugh soooooo hard. Im crying right now, why horses? No fucking clue.

I honestly thought this was gonna lead to something about Sara Jessica Parker. Damn.

[wrxgoose]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

wub wub

[IloveBaldEagles]

I've read this somewhere.
"If you return a pair of TOMS, will the kid in Africa have his taken away?."

[Kilzod]

Here ya go.

A guy walks into a bar and goes to order a drink. While he's waiting he notices a donkey standing in the corner and next to him is a huge jar full of money.
The guy asks the bartender, "Whats with the donkey?"
The bartender says, "Well, its a contest here. If you can get the donkey to laugh, you win the jar of money."
The guy gets up and walks over to the donkey, leans over and whispers something in it's ear. As soon as he's done whispering, the donkey falls on the floor, and rolls around laughing. The guy grabs the jar and walks out.
One year later, the same guy walks into the same bar, and notices the donkey is still there with another jar of money.
The guy walks up to the bartender and asks, "Whats the deal with the donkey this time?"
The bartender, thinking he's got him beat, says "It's another contest, but this time, in order to win the money you have to make the donkey cry."
So, the guy walks over to the donkey, and within a few minutes, the donkey is bawling it's eyes out, so the guy grabs the jar, and begins to walk out.
The bartender is so astonished, that he says, "Hey man, you won the money fair and square, but I gotta know - how in the hell did you get the donkey to laugh and cry?"
The man says, "Well, the first time I walked up to it, and told the donkey that my d*ck was bigger than his."
The bartender, amazed, says "And this time?"
The man says, "This time, I showed him." And walks out.

[wrxgoose]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120
times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him."
... They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

needs longer

[wrxgoose]

A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

one of my friends posted this on facebook. thought it was a good one.

[strat61caster]

Two fish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says "You drive, I'll man the gun"

[wrxgoose]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.



I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

not as funny, but i smiled.