Going through the big and don't mean Dallas

[shadoquad]

Originally Posted by Calum

This.

You asked when is it worth working for, when both of you are committed to the work. She clearly isn't or she'd be going to conselling with you and not staying friends with the other guy. If she's working with you to try and save it, and you still want to save it, then stay. But when she tells you you're not there yet as a husband, that's when it's time to repeat S2k's words to yourself.

We all have issues, everyone of us. If shes expecting the old spice guy well, then let her chase that dream. Cheating on you was bad, but possibly not the end of the world if she would be willing to show her commitment. By her not commemting and draging things out, she's clearly showing she has zero respect for you. It would suck to waste 8 years but damn man...

This bullshit, it takes two to tango, your actions pushed her to him, yadda yadda yadda, fuck that. If she wasn't happy and ever loved you she should respect you enough to talk to you about things long before she cheated on you. I do believe things can happen, alcohol can be a bitch, but there's a difference between one screw up and continually rubbing your nose in it.

FUCK I hate this shit. How many times have we all heard that if a guy cheats the girl should end it, but if a girl cheats the guy is equally responsible. Screw that. It's supposed to be an equal partnership, sometimes mistakes are made but there's a difference between a mistake and premeditated actions. She's not only cheated on you but she's done the worst thing a person could ever do to another person, she stole your pride and self respect. She's taken all of the power in the relationship and now she's using it to toy with you. Molding you to her whims while she gets off on the power. All the while getting a free pass to do what she wants because you're not there yet.

If you or her are expecting perfection, you're kidding yourself. There's no such thing. It's not about perfection, it's about commitment to the other person. Love Is great, but without mutual respect you've got nothing.

agree

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by Calum

This.

You asked when is it worth working for, when both of you are committed to the work. She clearly isn't or she'd be going to conselling with you and not staying friends with the other guy. If she's working with you to try and save it, and you still want to save it, then stay. But when she tells you you're not there yet as a husband, that's when it's time to repeat S2k's words to yourself.

We all have issues, everyone of us. If shes expecting the old spice guy well, then let her chase that dream. Cheating on you was bad, but possibly not the end of the world if she would be willing to show her commitment. By her not commemting and draging things out, she's clearly showing she has zero respect for you. It would suck to waste 8 years but damn man...

This bullshit, it takes two to tango, your actions pushed her to him, yadda yadda yadda, fuck that. If she wasn't happy and ever loved you she should respect you enough to talk to you about things long before she cheated on you. I do believe things can happen, alcohol can be a bitch, but there's a difference between one screw up and continually rubbing your nose in it.

FUCK I hate this shit. How many times have we all heard that if a guy cheats the girl should end it, but if a girl cheats the guy is equally responsible. Screw that. It's supposed to be an equal partnership, sometimes mistakes are made but there's a difference between a mistake and premeditated actions. She's not only cheated on you but she's done the worst thing a person could ever do to another person, she stole your pride and self respect. She's taken all of the power in the relationship and now she's using it to toy with you. Molding you to her whims while she gets off on the power. All the while getting a free pass to do what she wants because you're not there yet.

If you or her are expecting perfection, you're kidding yourself. There's no such thing. It's not about perfection, it's about commitment to the other person. Love Is great, but without mutual respect you've got nothing.

Edit. I work with a guy that went through a very similar situation, he took it very hard. It cost him a promotion, he lost custody of his two girls, the house, half of his pension.... After everything was done I asked him how he was doing, his answer, "Do you know why devorice is so expensive? Because its worth it.". Two years later he's back on his feet has a knew girl that not only loves him, but respects him and in the eight years I've known him, he's never been happier.

Thanks Bro, I needed that, I've been feeling this way for a while... I guess I was just hopeful that she would open her eyes at some point. I never realized that she had unrealistic expectations until I started counseling, I always tried my best to achieve what it was she wanted, and as you said, it was definately not me, or somebody I could ever be.

Yes eight years does suck, but fortunately I'm still young, and hopefully if this is the end of this chapter in my life, I will start a new chapter much like your friend.

[coyote]

I'm a bit older than most on here and have seen many people go through similar experiences (myself included).

5, 10 and 20 years on, the ones in the best shape are those who took responsibility for and control of their own lives.

Others became addicted to drugs (both legal and illegal, many prescribed by doctors) and many have become addicted to counseling. religion the various new age beliefs out there. All of them think their drugs, counseling, etc are helping them and those pushing the products keep confirming this belief in their minds.

In truth, they are looking for a crutch rather than taking the pain, sucking it up and getting on with life. I've seen lives ended when the crutch just isn't enough.

No-one can tell you what to do about your relationships. I know what I'd do, but that is tied to my beliefs and your actions must be tied to yours. Take responsibility for your beliefs and be the best person you can be. Do this and the rest seems to sort itself out.

Some of the most completely messed up people I've ever met were psychologists and counselors. I'm convinced that while they make people feel better and honestly think they offer a necessary service, they do more harm than good when people just need to go home, have a good cry, then harden the fark up and get on with life.

Be thankful that you live in a first world country, be thankful for the other good things in your life, improve the things you can and deal with then let go of the rest. Your current feelings are real, but they are NOTHING compared to what people have to endure in some countries.


That'll be $400, thanks. See you next week.

[caliboy15]

thought i'd share this, though its the guy who did it.

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marr...-11626725.html

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by coyote

I'm a bit older than most on here and have seen many people go through similar experiences (myself included).

5, 10 and 20 years on, the ones in the best shape are those who took responsibility for and control of their own lives.

Others became addicted to drugs (both legal and illegal, many prescribed by doctors) and many have become addicted to counseling. religion the various new age beliefs out there. All of them think their drugs, counseling, etc are helping them and those pushing the products keep confirming this belief in their minds.

In truth, they are looking for a crutch rather than taking the pain, sucking it up and getting on with life. I've seen lives ended when the crutch just isn't enough.

No-one can tell you what to do about your relationships. I know what I'd do, but that is tied to my beliefs and your actions must be tied to yours. Take responsibility for your beliefs and be the best person you can be. Do this and the rest seems to sort itself out.

Some of the most completely messed up people I've ever met were psychologists and counselors. I'm convinced that while they make people feel better and honestly think they offer a necessary service, they do more harm than good when people just need to go home, have a good cry, then harden the fark up and get on with life.

Be thankful that you live in a first world country, be thankful for the other good things in your life, improve the things you can and deal with then let go of the rest. Your current feelings are real, but they are NOTHING compared to what people have to endure in some countries.


That'll be $400, thanks. See you next week.

Very true, I am blessed, sometimes as a man you need to make lemonade out of your lemons. Good advice. I agree with the statement about having a crutch, right now I think that is what I'm most worried about. I don't do drugs, or drink, however I do feel a serious lack of confidence, much like Calum said above, and you just now I need to man up. Take responsibility for what is mine and carry on...

And about the $400 your such a sarcastic sh*t

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by caliboy15

thought i'd share this, though its the guy who did it.

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marr...-11626725.html

So true, trust is given until it is betrayed, then it must be earned.

G

[coyote]

Originally Posted by jedibow

I do feel a serious lack of confidence

If you didn't, you'd leap from your building thinking you'll land next door like Neo from The Matrix.

So what's your problem?

[S2kphile]

Genuine Desire Cannot Be Negotiated. Your Wife/GF/SO doesn't desire you anymore. Her attraction swayed to another man. Why? Because what made you so attractive to her in the first place you lost it in the relationship (ie. mojo/yourself) by putting her on a pedestal, doing typical social convention crap more often, putting more focus on her, etc.

Walking on egg shells in the relationship, maybe. Being afraid to piss her off & always trying to please her. Somewhere along the road she saw you transform from an attractive man to a little pushover mat unconsciously of course. She doesn't know why she doesn't feel for you the same way and she doesn't know why she feels attraction to another man that sways her. But she knows that she 'feels' something for her new beau and not you.

"I think like a man..Then I take away reason and accountability to think like a woman.." - Jack Nicholas

NSFW - Language
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMZCImU06k8"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMZCImU06k8[/ame]

There is fundamental truths behind this video and if you're professional counselor doesn't even mention any of these. Well, then you'll figure it out soon enough.

[jedibow]

Getting started again, I suppose. I've been working on knowing that it will be lonely, however a few weeks ago I was really sick (bronchitis & pink eye) in the same week, and it was difficult to know that nobody was there.

Because of the circumstances, I would say that my mind has the woulda coulda syndrome, and I have come to the realization that we are only capable of making our own decisions, and nothing more. It just hurts (obviously right). It literally came out of the blue, and I was pretty destoyed for I would say the first three months. I'm now working on climbing out of the rubble so to speak. I just hate the constant second guessing of myself.

[S2kphile]

No worries man time will heal all wounds but it'll be faster if you find yourself another girl just for the mean time.

My girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me and it took me a year to get over her and while I was trying to be nice about it she didn't care. She only started to care when I started talking to other women which helped me get over her. And that's when the light in my head snapped for the better.

"Women want to be with Men who other women want to be intimate with, and other men want to be."

And to be that man you gotta have confidence, swagger, respect and any other similar adjective.

[ToxicSneakers]

Hey! Women are classy!

Actually: There are two kinds of women; take over payments and bigger/better deal. The sane ones, anyway. And, don't get me started on the pathetic, the paranoid and the pathological, or suggest to me anything to do with caring for a borderline personality. That would be insane.

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." -Marcus Aurelius

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by ToxicSneakers

Hey! Women are classy!

Actually: There are two kinds of women; take over payments and bigger/better deal. The sane ones, anyway. And, don't get me started on the pathetic, the paranoid and the pathological, or suggest to me anything to do with caring for a borderline personality. That would be insane.

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." -Marcus Aurelius

Good stuff! ROFL

[Calum]

Originally Posted by jedibow

Thanks Bro, I needed that, I've been feeling this way for a while... I guess I was just hopeful that she would open her eyes at some point. I never realized that she had unrealistic expectations until I started counseling, I always tried my best to achieve what it was she wanted, and as you said, it was definately not me, or somebody I could ever be.

Yes eight years does suck, but fortunately I'm still young, and hopefully if this is the end of this chapter in my life, I will start a new chapter much like your friend.

I'll try to keep this on point, but I see this as part of a bigger problem. Men are no loner valued in the media and are constantly being affronted with images of what we're supposed to be. Not just image wise, but personality, ability, beliefs, sexual prowes, everything is scrutinized and open to someone else's opinion of what we're doing wrong. If a guy tries to act as he's been bred to act for hundreds of generations, he's called a cave man or some such drivel. When guys try to state an opinion we're belittled if it's not inline with the feminists of today.

The problem is, those cavemen are still what most women want, but won't say so in public. The women's movement caught on, and it should have originally but then a few started calling themselves feminists when in reality they were power hungry and wanted to turn the tables instead of find a workable balance. We need to stop things like this complete emasculation of a guy as he tries to improve himself in the name of the feminists that don't understand or care about what harm they do to either side. Because the reality is, she's probably hurt and scared and wondering what went wrong to.

The only way we are going to see an end to this kind of thing is to stop putting women on pedistals, to maintain your own self respect & dignity and to stop feeling sorry when you do it. It's time to man up. I don't mean hide your feels or yourself. I mean stop hiding them. The consequences have to be better then this.

[FT-86GOD]

Originally Posted by jedibow

Okay,

We have many highly intelligent individuals on the forum with life experience. Sometimes life throws us for a loop and we need support because because some things you cannot tackle on your own.

Case in point (I'm working on it through counseling) I just don't expect people to open up if I myself am not willing to open up...

My wife and I were married for 8 years, not all the best, and I will openly admit that I didn't always deserve the coffee mug with #1 husband on it. However last year (end of 8th year) I found out that my wife was cheating on me with a coworker. I went through the gammet of emotions, and WE ultimately decided to get separated so that we could work on our individual problems.

It had been close to a year now, I'm not where I need to be, however she still has "Sancho" (sorry if I went New Mexican on you) in her life, and swears it is strictly as a friend. I'm wondering when is it time to decide that it is over, and each person should start a new life (I hope this explains when I'm a little edgy in some of my posts as I have probably been in contact with her that day).

Well? If you are like me and require a broader picture of your current state post away. If this is not PC Ichitaka you have the right to remove this thread (not that you need my permission)

G

Jedibow no one can tell u how to move on..... Its all in ur head emotionally, we can say do this and do that but until ur ready to move on u will still grieve... The problem usually is not that ur still in love with her even though u feel u are, its that u have not found a replacement to take u away from the thoughts of what u guys had....

That bitch cheated on u, ur lucky that it came to an end...... Many people forgive and PRETEND to forget but atleast u are free to roam and find someone else......

I dunno what ur confidence level is at this time but u need to get out there and find that "replacement"...... Or u can continue to be miserable...

As silly as it sounds i recommend u go on amazon and pick up some self help books.... Pick up artist 101 books... Honestly at the very least they will keep u mentally occupied and build ur confidence ....

Look i dont know u and i dont know shit for that matter but hope u move forward and find a better chick.... Personally if i was in ur shoes and it was really really eating at me id take a trip to thailand or russia or whatever and go find a chick that is smoking hot and will stay by ur side for the rest of ur life........

Id first read some books though.....

Edit: Go to every group meet up, race/track day, in ur area... U have 2 sick cars and even if u cant afford to partake in the events u will meet some great people from ur area.... A lot of us r single otherwise we wouldnt be at these meets releasing tension lol...... Good dudes to go for drinks at the pub afterwards etc......