Going through the big and don't mean Dallas

[jedibow]

Okay,

We have many highly intelligent individuals on the forum with life experience. Sometimes life throws us for a loop and we need support because because some things you cannot tackle on your own.

Case in point (I'm working on it through counseling) I just don't expect people to open up if I myself am not willing to open up...

My wife and I were married for 8 years, not all the best, and I will openly admit that I didn't always deserve the coffee mug with #1 husband on it. However last year (end of 8th year) I found out that my wife was cheating on me with a coworker. I went through the gammet of emotions, and WE ultimately decided to get separated so that we could work on our individual problems.

It had been close to a year now, I'm not where I need to be, however she still has "Sancho" (sorry if I went New Mexican on you) in her life, and swears it is strictly as a friend. I'm wondering when is it time to decide that it is over, and each person should start a new life (I hope this explains when I'm a little edgy in some of my posts as I have probably been in contact with her that day).

Well? If you are like me and require a broader picture of your current state post away. If this is not PC Ichitaka you have the right to remove this thread (not that you need my permission)

G

[S2kphile]

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. It sucks when your significant other does things like that. Here's what you need is some Athol Kay & Rollo Tomassi.

Read "What is the Red Pill?" on Athol Kay. He talks about the fundamentals of having a happy & sexually engaging marriage.

Rollo Tomassi has the philosophical view points on those fundamentals and why they seem to work.

And here's a story of Dave who turned his marriage around.

Open your mind and forget everything that you've been taught about women, seriously. Look through the lens of men who've been through what you've have been through and have found answers to those age-old questions on women. And after you read all these you'll go through the 4 phases:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. F**K it go own way
4. Acceptance - It is here where your relationship with women (friends, family, etc) will benefit greatly because you'll have a better understanding of women & inter-gender dynamics.

That or
“You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.” – Morpheus

To your question, I would never get back with a women who has cheated on me wife or other wise unless there are children involved but that doesn't sound like the case here. Good luck.

[atledreier]

I can't say anything deep or profound on the issue, other than the fact I've been there myself. We managed to work through it, but it isn't easy. And to be honest, there are moments when I don't think it was worth it. other times it's completely heaven and all is right in the world. I realize every person and relationship is different, but in this case it seems the other party isn't very interested in compromising, which is NOT a good start.

If it was me, I'd take the easy way out and start over. The 8 years isn't wasted, think of it as education.

It will suck. badly. But then, it already does, and at least you'll see the end of it this way. Because believe me, that little nagging doupt will NEVER go away. Ever.

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by S2kphile

your question, I would never get back with a women who has cheated on me wife or other wise unless there are children involved but that doesn't sound like the case here. Good luck.

Thanks,

Fortunately no children. I will definitely check out those books. My councilors have me reading all kinds of books. Lol

Real love in marriage was helpful, as was Boundaries when to say yes, when to say no.

[86'd]

I've been married for two years and known my wife for 8, but really that doesn't have any bearing on what I'm about to say...

I think people cheat because, well they're aren't happy...obviously. Cheating just happens to be one of the ultimate things a person can do to another. Sometimes it's a fling, premediated, or an ongoing thing, but I believe it stems out of that unhappiness. And sometimes it might not even be unhappiness with you, but rather a life situation.

That's why I think it's important that people get counseling together if and when they notice certain things coming up.

Unfortunately it seems like it's too late for that. Obviously we're only hearing one side, but if she's just a friend with this other dude, it sounds like BS. People have different "allowances" for relationships...for example: My wife and I don't have opposite sex friends....I mean we do, but not like some other couples we see and know.

Her guy friends are either gay, nerdy coworkers, or women. My friends are guys, and coworkers and friends of friends. I don't have girls that I talk to to "hang" with. If I did she'd be very suspicious. And me the same of her. We (fortunately/unfortunately)hang out with each other 99% of the time.

And because of that I've never felt one bit of jealousy or weirdness about that around her.

I think a lot of couples aren't like us. We have friends that are couples that openly flirt with other couples, go out to clubs on a regular basis and act like they're single even though they're monogamous...I think that's a recipe for disaster..

Anyway, sorry for the digression.

I'd say take a look at why you loved your wife in the first place. What were the reasons? Was she smoking hot? Was she going to be the mother of your kids? Did you want kids? Did you get out your "fun" before you got married?

IMO if she is the one for you (i.e. if you're crying in your Cherrios every morning)then I'd say work it out ; especially if you're willing to work on whatever problems you had before, then go to counseling with her.

If your problems weren't that bad (Eh, I could do better), or if you decide that she can't make it work or she really isn't the one for you, then you have a free pass. Get on with your life split the difference and have some fun.

[Pscylo]

Been there....

Out to sea on 8 deployments, my ex cheated on me everytime....with different men. Was I great? No, I was gone half of the time...It takes a special kind of woman to deal with that type of life. I figured, because I knew my wife since we were 13/14 it would be ok...

We decided to split up, and then found out she was pregnant. We stayed together during the prgenancy because of the medical care, and decided to still get a divorce after. My reason was simple - I resent everything about her. I did not want my son to grow up thinking that a "good" relationship was two people that obviously could no longer stand to be around each other.

Looking back, I do not regret that decision.

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by 86'd

I think people cheat because, well they're aren't happy...obviously. Cheating just happens to be one of the ultimate things a person can do to another. Sometimes it's a fling, premediated, or an ongoing thing, but I believe it stems out of that unhappiness. And sometimes it might not even be unhappiness with you, but rather a life situation.

Completely agree, and I know that I played a part in what happened, it takes two to tango so to say...

Originally Posted by 86'd

That's why I think it's important that people get counseling together if and when they notice certain things coming up.

Offered, she refused. I'm in couseling to work on the issues that I had that brought this about.

Originally Posted by 86'd

People have different "allowances" for relationships...for example: My wife and I don't have opposite sex friends....I mean we do, but not like some other couples we see and know.

Agree again, and this is how it was before.

Originally Posted by 86'd

I'd say take a look at why you loved your wife in the first place. What were the reasons? Was she smoking hot? Was she going to be the mother of your kids? Did you want kids? Did you get out your "fun" before you got married?

We both felt that we were right for one another, she can't have children and I accepted that about her, we were looking at adoption. I did have a lot more "fun" than she did, as I went to college, and we got married the year after she graduated high school (Home schooled, even worse).

Originally Posted by 86'd

IMO if she is the one for you (i.e. if you're crying in your Cherrios every morning)then I'd say work it out ; especially if you're willing to work on whatever problems you had before, then go to counseling with her.

I though so for about the first three months, it is hard to accept that when you ask somebody, and I fully realize that all I can do is ask, them to remove the distractions from their lives to focus on saving the relationship and they do not want to. Her reason is always, you're not where you need to be as a husband yet, so why should I? Once I realized what her unrealistic expectations were I started to have a change of heart.

Thank you, very helpful, and some great advice

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by Pscylo

Been there....

Out to sea on 8 deployments, my ex cheated on me everytime....with different men. Was I great? No, I was gone half of the time...It takes a special kind of woman to deal with that type of life. I figured, because I knew my wife since we were 13/14 it would be ok...

We decided to split up, and then found out she was pregnant. We stayed together during the prgenancy because of the medical care, and decided to still get a divorce after. My reason was simple - I resent everything about her. I did not want my son to grow up thinking that a "good" relationship was two people that obviously could no longer stand to be around each other.

Looking back, I do not regret that decision.

Ironically that sounds like the home I grew up in, and looking back I wish my parents would have ended it...

[shadoquad]

I'd cut bait. There's plenty of bishes in the sea. This one was willing to cut you to the bone. Others are more appreciative.

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by shadoquad

I'd cut bait. There's plenty of bishes in the sea. This one was willing to cut you to the bone. Others are more appreciative.

True, but when is it worth fighting for, and when is it worth leaving? I guess that is what I'm missing...

[shadoquad]

Originally Posted by jedibow

True, but when is it worth fighting for, and when is it worth leaving? I guess that is what I'm missing...

Everyone has their thresholds. The second she cheated on me, she'd be kicked to the curb.

[jedibow]

Originally Posted by shadoquad

Everyone has their thresholds. The second she cheated on me, she'd be kicked to the curb.

I have to admire your self respect, definately one of the issues I've been working on in counseling, thus the reading of the boundary book!

[S2kphile]

It takes a hell of lot of willpower to stay monogamous to one woman because it's not really in a man's biological nature. And those men that are or say that usually don't have other options.

It's egregious if a woman cheats so let her go and find someone else. Have more self respect for yourself.

[Calum]

Originally Posted by S2kphile

Have more self respect for yourself.

This.

You asked when is it worth working for, when both of you are committed to the work. She clearly isn't or she'd be going to conselling with you and not staying friends with the other guy. If she's working with you to try and save it, and you still want to save it, then stay. But when she tells you you're not there yet as a husband, that's when it's time to repeat S2k's words to yourself.

We all have issues, everyone of us. If shes expecting the old spice guy well, then let her chase that dream. Cheating on you was bad, but possibly not the end of the world if she would be willing to show her commitment. By her not commemting and draging things out, she's clearly showing she has zero respect for you. It would suck to waste 8 years but damn man...

This bullshit, it takes two to tango, your actions pushed her to him, yadda yadda yadda, fuck that. If she wasn't happy and ever loved you she should respect you enough to talk to you about things long before she cheated on you. I do believe things can happen, alcohol can be a bitch, but there's a difference between one screw up and continually rubbing your nose in it.

FUCK I hate this shit. How many times have we all heard that if a guy cheats the girl should end it, but if a girl cheats the guy is equally responsible. Screw that. It's supposed to be an equal partnership, sometimes mistakes are made but there's a difference between a mistake and premeditated actions. She's not only cheated on you but she's done the worst thing a person could ever do to another person, she stole your pride and self respect. She's taken all of the power in the relationship and now she's using it to toy with you. Molding you to her whims while she gets off on the power. All the while getting a free pass to do what she wants because you're not there yet.

If you or her are expecting perfection, you're kidding yourself. There's no such thing. It's not about perfection, it's about commitment to the other person. Love Is great, but without mutual respect you've got nothing.

Edit. I work with a guy that went through a very similar situation, he took it very hard. It cost him a promotion, he lost custody of his two girls, the house, half of his pension.... After everything was done I asked him how he was doing, his answer, "Do you know why devorice is so expensive? Because its worth it.". Two years later he's back on his feet has a knew girl that not only loves him, but respects him and in the eight years I've known him, he's never been happier.