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Recording here for posterity, should anyone else have a similar issue: it is entirely possible that a factory sealed package of batteries can have sat in a drawer in your garage for so long that they still show a 3 Volt charge on your Fluke voltmeter, but have lost enough power that they don't produce enough amperage to operate the key functions.
Fresh batteries, folks. Don't be a cheap b@$+@rd like me.
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