I finally got a dealer to spend more effort than scratching their balls and look stuff up. I'm bringing the car in at the end of the month (because I don't want to lose it during my vacation).
I literally CANNOT wait to get it back, because at the start of this whole ordeal, when I had to face the fact that I was dealing with people that didn't want to work, I put tamper evident paint seals (DYKEM Cross Check) on a bunch of bolts on the engine
To my surprise, I will NOT have to use my bike (and get huge legs in the process) while they do the work, as they'll be providing a loaner.