Not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, but I'm game
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I've never felt like I belong, I've never felt like I have a life, I just have an existence. I'm a mouth breather, I'm just using oxygen that could be better consumed by other 'normal' people. I'm not happy, I wake up every morning and wish that I hadn't. I don't like who I am and my relationships fail because I know I'm a piece of shit and how could I respect someone who wants to be with me?
There are things I enjoy: sex is one of them but - like I said previously - I have a hard time liking people who would want to have sex with someone as fucked up as me. I have met so many beautiful women who would have been an amazing partner but I always fucked it up because I felt like I didn't deserve them. And, to be honest, in the frame of mind I was in I really didn't deserve them. I also like cars, I track cars and enjoy that, I was kind of bummed when my Porsche 911 blew its engine on track but 8 years later I'm here with my FR-S back on track and I'm enjoying the shit out of it. Track days are helping me be happy, it's not just the adrenaline rush but it's also the people I meet. And you know the crazy thing, they seem to like me? Everybody has a different perspective of me than I have of myself, so maybe my perspective is the wrong one?
I have wanted to kill myself for the longest time but never did so because I did not want my parents to suffer. It got to the point where I resented my parents for still being alive. If they would just die then I could leave this place. But, surprisingly enough, I have made other connections along the way that would be difficult to break.
Tomorrow, Christmas day, I'm going to be all alone. I'll drink in excess again, just as I am doing now (I'm a borderline alcoholic). I'm not fixed, I'm still fucked up, but I'm still here. And you know what, there are people out there who will be glad that I'm still here, there are people whose lives would change for the worse if I killed myself. Is there someone in your life that will miss you if you were gone? If not, PM me, I'll be that person, we can be alone together on Christmas day.