Here's the video of the engine at idle -
The idle one did look more like steam, i agree. At this point i've committed to pulling the plugs (can't get new ones until tuesday, arg) but then if any look bad, i'll do a compression test too.
it REALLY smelled like oil in the first, outdoor video. But the more I look into it, I feel like it could be head gasket too. So idk. Time will tell i guess as i dig into it. Thanks for the feedback.
Also - fun fact, dealership headgasket labor time is 17.1 hours. Holy Hell, that's like 2G.