Notttt exactly
I military spliced into the red wire from the turn signal as you suspected, but then military spliced right into the negative (black) wire on the side marker, rather than just clipping them together as I think I was supposed to. Not sure if that changes anything about what's happened..
Also I replaced the tail, panel, mpx-b, gauge, and hazard fuses, despite the fact that none of them were blown and no change
But yes the headlights won't turn on, and the dash lights remain illuminated with the parking lights (signal/marker/rear lights)
I'm going to bet 99% of everything I own on the unfortunate reality that it's the BCM, buuuut, since my appointment isn't till Thursday, would I be able to tell if the control stalk was fried by looking at it ? Or even looking at the BCM ? I had it out of the car and opened up earlier but didn't see anything that stood out as physically wrong with it..
Also despite the fact it may not fix anything, thanks for the time you put into that reply lol