Scientific Guide to Douche Bags of the Road
 

The Soccer Mom in the Oversized SUV (Lookatmenowus fatassius)

The weapon of choice for these rambunctious road hazards is usually a Hummer, Expedition, or Pathfinder. These past-their-prime attention whores can often be observed as they take up two parking spaces, double-park in front of a school, or blissfully scrape their two-ton death machines against unsuspecting parked cars, light poles, street signs, and miscellaneous roadside landmarks. Thankfully, their herds have been thinned out by ever-rising fuel prices. When confronted about her questionable driving and parking skills, this road delight often deflects the criticism, ignores you, denies her transgressions, or whips out her cell phone in an attempt to make you disappear. Beware the Asian and cell-phone dependent versions of this species, they are particularly oblivious drivers.

The Ricer (Insecureus tastelessius)

Truly the most colorful of the five categories of douche bags, they are often found in underpowered FWD imports, but they are occasionally seen in vehicles with legitimate performance credentials. The Ricer seeks attention by adorning his ride with eye-melting paint and graphic schemes, hilarious or boastful stickers, park-bench wings, "hella tite" sound systems, mismatched wheels and body panels, and obnoxiously loud exhaust set-ups. Ever the insecure type, the Ricer will race anyone or anything at a stop light (including people in minivans and people on mopeds). The Ricer often feels the need to prove his manhood by overtaking vehicles on the highway via dangerous speeds or with insanely stupid maneuvers, and then using his hazards to signify "victory." There is no accounting for taste or intelligence with this breed, and they often transcend racial or cultural stereotypes.

The Domestic Douche (Stolidus smallwangus)

A hairy-chested sight to behold, the Domestic Douche is no longer relegated to wearing gold chains and mullets, for they may now be seen with sideways baseball caps, super cool sunglasses, earrings, and popped collars. Usually found piloting Mustangs and Camaros, the Domestic Douche has spread his reach to other types of vehicles, including lifted pickup trucks. The Domestic Douche often refuses to recognize the performance capabilities of foreign vehicles, and views people who buy imports as "Un'uhmerican." Membership in the Domestic Douche club is not complete until one procures a RWD vehicle with an aggressive exhaust tone, and then proceeds to do a burnout on a public road. Slick roads, skyrocketing insurance premiums, and CAFE standards are the natural enemies of the Domestic Douche.

The Badge Whore Douche (Ispenttoomuchus fruitus)

The most pretentious of the douches, the Badge Whore Douche will not be seen in a vehicle of a lesser stature than BMW, Mercedes, Audi, or Lexus. The alpha Badge Whore Douches drive Ferraris and Lamborghinis, and their level of douchiness is unsurpassed. Badge Whore Douches want everyone to know what type of car they drive or how much they spent on their car. They casually leave their keys strewn about with their oversized luxury key fobs on full display, and skillfully find a way to work into almost any type of conversation what type of vehicle they own. Ironically, these creatures are sometimes not as wealthy as they would like everyone to believe, and they often lease cars habitually while ringing up massive credit card debt, draining the equity from their home, and working two jobs to make their car payments. Perhaps not so surprisingly, Badge Whore Douches are attracted to the cheapest version of the 3 series BMW. These Badge Whore Douches are extremely dangerous on the road in light of the their questionable driving skill and their false sense of entitlement.

The Smug Douche (Annoyingus hypocrita)

This douche can be either a man or a woman, but their valiant steed of choice is often some type of hybrid, electric, or natural gas vehicle. Allegedly, their sole purpose is to save the planet, and they are sure to remind you of this fact on a daily basis. Most Smug Douches spend their days meandering about in car pool lanes or the number one lane on the freeway, and they relish the opportunity to keep other vehicles from traveling above the speed limit or passing them. When spooked, they often speed up to block your pass, tailgate you so closely that they could lick your bumper, or scuttle off like ****roaches into other lanes. There is a particularly fanatical sub-species of this douche known as the "Hyper-Miler," but their numbers are rather low. There has been some observed cross-breeding between the Badge Whore Douche and the Smug Douche, but more data needs to be collected before full-understanding of the phenomena is reached.

***Feel free to add your own

Douche Bag (notamesotheyare wrongian)

If they are driving faster than me they are a ricer wannabe racer and should grow up and I hope he lands in a ditch or gets pulled over. If they are driving slower they need to learn to drive and move over so I can pass them and are too old and probably cause accidents. If they are driving the same speed as me they are mad that I was about to pass them so now they are driving the same speed to block me.

They do not drive EXACTLY like me so they are a douche bag.

/thread?

I put this up for laughs. If you don't like it, feel free to play in traffic

I was laughing but you don't seem to be :( I hope you don't take your own advice though :happy0180:

:lol: Comon guys. chill...

You missed the tailgating douche :O

Which are slightly more desirable than the ...

"I'm from the North and won't get out of the left lane for nothing" Douche

These are the most despised species on the planet. Flashing headlights are ineffective in dealing with this species. The only real effective means to deal with this species is the "bump and run" method.

Too extreme. LOL
I will follow the guy and strip all wheels of the car.

I failed to mention that the

"I'm from the North and won't get out of the left lane for nothing" Douche

species is most heavily concentrated in Florida, and most especially during the winter season as they migrate to thier "FL Winter homes". In addition to the extreme, but effective, treatment method of "bump and run", there is one other, non-physical, treatment method known to be very effective:

Pull beside them and flash them your colt 45 treatment*

*Warning, this treatment should be only used in areas with limited/ to no cell phone coverage.

Is it really common knowledge that people from the North do this?

I'd swear 99% of people in PA believe that the left lane is no different than the right lane. I need to move to a better state. I do believe that in new England they're good about this. Except for mass.

We have that North douche too...except they are more than just old people. They can be some idiot on his cell phone, or some illegal immigrant going 5 under the speed limit so they don't attract the attention of the police.

:lol:I used to go to college with Domestic and Badge Whore Douche bags and now i transferred i deal with Ricers. Douche bags are everywhere these days.

I-85 through South Carolina is the worst for left-lane hoggers. It's quite hilly and the interstate is more like a divided 4-lane state highway, definitely subpar for an Interstate. What happens is the trucks are all in the right lane going ~70-75 down hillls and 50-60 up them. Instead of just maintaining speed and passing all the trucks, local SC idiots hog the left lane and PACE the trucks, needlessly slowing WAY down going up the hills then speeding up with them going down so you can't get around! Maddening...

Truest thing ever posted on this forum.

A. People like you give all firearm owners a bad name and actually HURT the cause to keep our Second Amendment rights.

B. If you can pull up beside them to thug out and "flash you're piece," why the hell don't you just pass them on the right instead of doing something that would convince the wrong guy to just PIT you as you passed them and spin you into a ditch for being a menace to society.

I really hope you pull this move on an off duty LEO some day, tough guy.