Toyota GR86, 86, FR-S and Subaru BRZ Forum & Owners Community - FT86CLUB - [FS:WA] OEM Headers

reposting because I wanted to share what was going on... a for sale ad may not be the most glamorous stage but I think it actually would be more fitting than a big ol' general thread post. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teseo (Post 2611663)

The hell you have been?
Bump

Hey man!

It's been a hectic, challenging, painful but fulfilling year since I tailed off near this time last year. At first I thought I wouldn't go too into detail here (don't wanna make people who are just tryin to go back to stock or regretting getting a loud exhaust for commuting listen into a "there and back again" story), but I feel it is important to share... I can't believe life sometimes:

Before the Storm

When I first got my FRS in October 2014, I was in pretty bad physical shape- not overweight or afflicted with illness, but I had a failed shoulder surgery attempt to repair a SLAP tear in my right shoulder related to a nasty crash I had on my R6 in 2010. Probably wasn't the smartest move to pick the manual, but I couldn't help it when I got onto the lot- nothing but feels right to me and I've had a love affair with manuals since I could see over my dad's old truck window and sneaking his spare key away to drive around the yard when he wasn't home.

I was commuting 3 to sometimes 5 hours a day in traffic. The job I was commuting to was my first major career job post-switch from computer science to finance, and although I hated the commute from upper north to Kent and back (68 miles through some of the now-worst stretches of I-405) I stuck it out - rationale was it paid well, that I was learning a ton there still, and kept thinking to myself, "how fortunate I am to even have a job that's giving me access to so many opportunities and growth". I kept trying to assure myself, "how bad could waiting another year of dealing with the tear hurt?"

My plan was to wait it out until I was established enough within the company and had built up enough support (and Paid Time Off, ha!) to attempt another surgery and get the whole thing taken care of. I kept myself busy with of course the FRS and my work, counterstrike, biding my time.

The Buildup

While I at first liked my work and the company I worked for, the longer I worked there, the longer I realized I was in a very mature company in a dying industry. The learning ceiling was hit very easily, and with very little risk and reward floating about, stagnation and bureaucracy flourished while innovation and adaptation, growth took a back seat. Quite possibly one of the worst scenarios a person just beginning their professional journey. I began to realize this about mid January 2015, a good half year into my employment there, which increasingly became an anxiety as I felt myself slipping further and further behind the bleeding edge of where I want to be.

Fast forward to March 2015. I'm not a pain adverse person and am among those boneheads that pride themselves on spending as minimal time at the doctors, but the pain in my shoulder got to the point where I felt I couldn't NOT get the surgery done. I had developed stomach ulcers/gastritis from taking too many NSAIDs to keep the inflammation down from 8+ hours at the desk and another 3-5+ hours in stop and go traffic. I felt my back and knees start to weaken and muscle atrophy setting in even worse as I would be too tired during the week nights and weekend to even recover before hitting it again.

My wonderful fiance would work on the painful spots near my serratus, traps, shoulder and upper arms with hot stones, cremes, whatever she could do- unfortunately nothing 'stuck'. The level, piercing, burning intensity of it, was too much to bear and my very soul felt seemingly deflated and brittle- a really strange feeling for a person who hasn't in the past had much problem with finding strength when he needed it.

I didn't feel like I had enough support at work to take on another surgery attempt. It was a very involved process- 6 weeks in the sling and months of rehabilitation and adaptations to one's daily life- definitely not appealing to a M-F 40 hour working person in today's world like I was ascribed to. Nor had I the funds to strike out immediately and quit on the spot, get the surgery, wait it out a couple months, then get another job. In retrospect it was a very toxic, nasty situation. I felt trapped.

The fiance and I even got into quite a bad state as well- my mood became increasingly sour and my time became thin.

I started to lose interest in my job and, without being rewarded for going beyond the even keel, stopped putting in as much to it, and in turn, stopped getting as much out of it. It became a net negative.

The Breakdown

At perceptibly the height of this snowstorm of anxiety over my career trajectory, worrying over the state of my health, over the state of many of my near-term relationships.. I got a call one day at work from one of my brothers. In between gasps for air and sobs, I hear these broken words:

"Justin's gone. He's gone, Nick.

He shot himself

"

I felt crushed. I thought I was being crushed before but I never knew pain like this.

On that day I received word that my closest childhood friend took his own life after an argument with his significant other at a desolate pit of a bar. In plain truth that is the recount of events. His last known words were that we was going to do it. And if anyone knew Justin, he didn't back down from a dare and always meant what he said.

What hurt was that I began to neglect carving out time to be with him. It didn't help we both started new jobs around the same time, and coincidentally started dating our significant others around the same time.

What hurt the absolute most was that I was so caught up in my own pain, so caught up in my own mind, my own pursuits and petty work and social status struggles, that I couldn't give myself the peace of mind to say I was at a good position to catch the pain hiding behind his eyes. Perhaps nobody could, but the fact remained that at the period of time leading up to and before that fateful day, I can't recall saying I loved him or when the last time we even hung out in any meaningful setting (non family events, etc).

That fucking hurt.

I assumed he'd always be there. I assumed that my path was the most right, and my struggles were noble because I was doing them for maximum benefits at work and for the pursuit of knowledge, trusting that I could both provide for others and provide for myself.

Yet I was wrong- nothing matters in life except those who you love and what you love.

I was compromising, in both my relationships and my passions. I felt suddenly sick at how narcissistic I've become- if there's one sensation I remember most vividly about that day was the way my ears became red hot with embarrassment, rage, and tearing, retching sadness.

Perhaps as a nod to narcissism, that conversation changed my life even though it realistically had nothing to do with me, other than I was the recipient.

I walked back into the building and straight to my bosses room, tears still stark in every corner and pocket of my face, and verbally gave my letter of resignation to her. If there was one perk about eventually working at a place one hates, it is that at least the farewell can be a light event when there's nobody to see you off, or vice versa worth dropping by one last time to wish well off. This was just a little over a year ago.

Healing

Fast forward to now:

I am just now getting to days of no pain in my labrum and shoulder cup, scapula following what will be my 6th month post-surgery marker; hit past my 5 month at a company that provides opportunities abound (including no traffic- 5AM to 2PM to the Columbia Center in Seattle, working in the fintech industry serving East Coast stock exchange start times!), to which I have had the utmost honor and gratitude to land with a team that nurtures, supports, and challenges each other; my fiance and I are doing very well, and are moving from our current house soon to one more receptive for a growing family; and most importantly in my eyes, am feeling more in the present than ever.

In my renewed efforts to heal, I realized I was a pretty ego-driven and materialistic person. I had to have a lot of reassurance that my life was pretty good. This meant hitting a lot of social and cultural queues and milestones. One of the most significant thing's I've done was cutting out most of my social networking to what I now refer to as the, 'essential core'- just enough visibility and contribution to be worthwhile, but nothing more- nothing wasted- nothing left unsaid.

This paradigm shift, among a whole slew of others and support by my family and friends, have given me the strength I couldn't give myself, has ushered in a whole new era in my life.

I have a new appreciation and respect for death, life, and what it means to be a present. I am so, so happy to say that I'm in a better place now and that if there's any sort of TL;DR or takeaway, it is that life moves so fast and that in moments of great darkness one shouldn't lose hope. I know this isn't by any stretch a very particularly unique or even remarkable story in the slightest. But what a year, what a year..

--

If ya'll read it to the end, I'm honored and I appreciate that. I hope it helps.

Think about ya'll often and hope to be a contributor again soon. This community rocks and it brings me a ton of joy to see it in still such an enthusiastic, thriving place. :)

#much love.
@Tcoat, @Ultramaroon, @Bergen23, @Choco <3, @steve99, @Guff, @cdrazic93 and everyone in this whacky, dysfunctional, wholesome, passionate, crafty, supportive, lovin big ol' ft86 family.